11/15/10

As sip on the sweet nectar of a monster drink and listen to the soothing overtones of Fiest, my mind wanders to things of the past. How things once were and how they are now and how they may be someday. This retrospection is what I tell you now.
Lets go one year back; a year seems like a good standard sort of measurement. One year ago, inwardly at least and probably outwardly, I was a different man. Different doesn't always mean bad things but neither does it always mean good things. A year ago, I was lost, spiritually and emotionally. I had been falling away from my faith steadily over the past year and although I was going to a small group where I could interact with other Christians, my heart was not in it. It was more of a habit that I did because I was expected to show up. Emotionally, I was also falling steadily away from that which is desirable. Moodiness, depression, loneliness, you name it. I ran the full gambit of human emotion. Why was I like this? The loneliness was explainable (not that it made it any more bearable). I craved human affection and a relationship like Emperor Palpatine craved galactic domination. And the harder I tried to get it, the farther and farther away it seemed to get. I had become lukewarm, neither hot or cold. My relationship with God consisted of recited prayer and occasional browsing through random books of the Bible. And I didn't really care either. There was no motivation to open myself up to others or God and let my life be enriched. Looking back I find that, disturbingly, I was content with being lukewarm and unhappy. It felt familiar and I had no intention of changing that. God had other plans.
As I attended my small group, I came to know an amazing group of people. My fellow small groupers weren't perfect, nor did they have all the answers but they genuinely wanted to get to know me and as time went by that sentiment began to be reciprocated by me. Gradually, they cracked through my shell of apathy and self-pity. God stepped back into my life and gave me reason to care. I no longer wanted to be the "old" me. I wanted to live fully, in Christ, and receive all He has to offer me. Less than a year (a wonderful year I might add), I met a girl who right now is making all my past thoughts of loneliness and perpetual singularity seem distant and is helping me grow in my faith and become a better person as I hope I do for her. Far be it from me however to give the impression that a closer relationship with God immediately grants our deepest wishes. Yes, our wish should be to gain a closer relationship with Him but that doesn't mean that everything else will be instantly made right. The single will not instantly be "in a relationship" as facebook so simply puts it, the depressed will not be given a heavenly zoloft with which they shall forever remain happy. But know this, that He has our best interests at heart. We cannot see the flow of His plans but that does not mean they are not there. A year ago, I would have never, ever have seen where I am now and I have no clue where I will be a year from now. All I know is that our God is good and so is His plan for us.